ALL THE CATS

The whole idea of being on contraception just doesn’t make sense to me right now. The doctors keep saying I’m not allowed to get pregnant anymore. I’ve gotta stop, the miscarriages are just too much for my body.

After the D&C they offered to put in a Mirena but even the thought of it was so final and I felt overwhelmingly defeated.

They were not supportive when I said I was happy just running the ol’ pull out method.

So I’m now officially having two huge operations to completely reconstruct my uteruses with no guarantee of ending with a functional womb, I’m fucking terrified.

I’ve had surgeries. Heaps. But this time it’s different. This time it’s life changing. Our plans and goals are still the same; work hard to build our dream home and start our family. I don’t think I’m asking too much. I’m not asking for a hundred kids, I just want one. I’ll even sacrifice my dream of ginger twins if I have to. I just don’t like being told no. I’m angry. I don’t understand why me. I’m not perfect, I don’t pretend to be, but I don’t think I deserve this. We don’t deserve this. It’s not just hard on me, it’s hard on everyone around me, mostly my poor husband. Not only does he have his own grief to deal with but he has to come home every day not knowing if I’m gonna be in a good mood or an emotional wreck. I’m so thankful for the support system I have and how beautifully my family, especially my parents have extended their support to Nath. Him and Dad are both straight talking, matter of fact and I’ve been informed they have a plan in place in case I go off the rails - which I’m determined not to. After the last baby, I ran away. I couldn’t handle life so did the only thing I knew how and went home to NZ. It helped, big time. But this time I can’t do it, I can’t just run away every time something shit happens. I’ve deleted all the baby apps. I’ve deleted the ultrasound photos. I’ve thrown out the magazines. I’ve unsaved all the links to cool baby stuff on Facebook. I asked Nath for a kitten, I said I felt it would help heal us as a family and Bruce wants one (he would not be impressed) but he said no. Maybe I should’ve started by asking for one cat instead of 100.

Or a dingo. I’m gonna ask for a dingo.

*Its legal to have a Dingo in WA as a pet and there’s a big campaign across Aus at the moment, lots of Dingoes needing homes