SELF HELP BOOKS

My mother is a big fan of self help books... which loosely translates to; my mother buys me self help books all the time. I'm the first to admit that I am unable to even entertain the idea of reading a self help book and they all now sit on a shelf, untouched, or in a box with my husbands mind numbing engine manuals. That's not to say I wouldn't benefit from them, because honestly I probably would. I have always had a very strong need to deny it when there is something wrong and I have spent a great deal of time doing my best to seem "normal" without the aid of anything other than pure willpower. After losing the baby I went through all the normal stages of grief. My mind kept telling me it was selfish and a waste of time because "it wasn't even a thing yet" I had days where I was fine and days where the thought of even getting out of bed to shower was too much. I would spend the entire day focussed on just the next hour (with mumma's self-help boot camp via FaceTime to encourage me) until eventually I felt normal again only to relapse as soon as I tried to sleep. Emotions and grief are exhausting. It came to a point where I didn't have a choice anymore. I had to help myself or I was heading deeper into this pit of depression and there wasn't a way out. It's funny how emotional pain does so much more damage than the physical. I'm a pro at physical pain, nothing phases me, but that heart wrenching mental despair is quite possibly the most brutal pain a person can endure. I'm better now. Much better. I do still get a wave of sadness every time I see a baby or a pregnancy announcement though. A close relative asked how I don't feel bitter every time someone I know gets pregnant, and although it's really bloody hard, I know these babies are being blessed with amazing parents and families and will be loved so much. I just keep the hope that one day soon it will be my pregnancy announcement. Keeping those fingers and toes crossed! Fun fact: I've never ever seen my mum read a self help book - perhaps it because she's the strongest, most "together" person I know.